Today I'm reminded that God can be found in all places and sometimes works in the most unlikely ways, through the most unlikely people. I've been fighting God, trying to push Him out of my heart for most of my life, but I've never been able to completely do that. It's been way to scary to simply let Him in. It's even scarier to think about being used by God, for His glory. Even though all us Christians say we want this, do we really? I think so, but I also think a lot of us are scared of it too, even if we do really want it. We don't want it to be uncomfortable or work or hard or scary and it's going to probaby end up being all of these things. In running from God I saw so many broken hearts, that didn't know they were even broken at the time, nor did I know the depts of the wounds of my own heart. I saw bad, devastating things happen to really good-hearted people who were making bad choices. I've learned that good-hearted people can do bad things and hurt other people, but that does not make that person, simply a bad person. I don't believe that there are simply bad people. However, there are LOTS of scared, hurting, and sad people out there. Through mistakes I've made, in a way, I've been healed. I have come to a point of deeper understanding, and deeper forgiveness for people who have hurt me in the past. The forgiveness which has replaced such deep hurt and resentment in my heart, has been healing... though very, very slowly, with many set backs. Still, I have a lot more patience and understanding for people than I use to. I want to know more fully and I want everyone to know of the kind of healing which only God offers. From what I know of living in darkness, to "survive" there you have to make yourself numb to the painful, disgraceful parts: the parts which alert you to the facts of your wrong doings. In making yourself numb to sin, for as long as you can, unfortunately you end up numb to the fact that there is something better out there too. You end up numbed to real love and forgiveness. Until everything crashes down. And then you're first faced with all this overwhemling ugliness both inside self and out. When this happens, and preferably before, I want people to know that no matter who they are, where they are, or what they are doing: they are loved. They're already forgiven and loved even before they seek this from God and once they seek, they can be made new. They are no less of a person, than anyone else. There is nothing which someone can do, to become unlovable to God. I know, I think... I've pretty much done it all which falls under the heading of sinful, disgusting, disgracefil and unlovable. I've lost loved ones along the way, but I'm still well loved by those whose presence in my life God bless me with and always, I'm loved by Him. And so are you.
