Planet L, I mean... E... I mean EARTH

Isn't this picture insane? "Slow your roll" HAHAHA I couldn't believe it when I saw this in a gas station.

I love music.
I love dancing.
I still love laser lights... I think some are burned into my brain...
BUT more so... I LOVE, I NEED, SUN LIGHT!!!

Today the clouds finally broke and there is sun, thank God, literally. My mind seems to be 're-congealing' after the epic mind melt freak out that has IOPs calling me back and I'm considering it. I'm still better, but I still need another therapist. I need to stop procrastinating about this and I need to make a Dr.'s apt too, these last couple days I realize I can't deal with gloominess very well. It makes me entirely too tired and dangerously saaaaad. Very sad. Too, too sad. So, yeah, I surrender to the fact that I need some antidepressants again unfortunately. (This time I won't put my medication up my nose though.) Life on planet earth seems to be 'ok' when it "warmish" and sunny so I think I'll go for a walk in a little. I have today off!! Church later tonight.

despite...

Despite this teary, gloomy afternoon I should not, I dare not forget to add that I'm still thankful. Thankful to have a place to live, food to eat, friends... a job... ect. Sometimes, because I'm still a little insane, I still have moments where I could take myself off the planet to avoid overwhelming feelings and situations or just because I'm bored or lonely. People would scoff to hear me say this and sometimes I forget it's true of myself too, but truly I'm still fragile and I still struggle to function in a world that I so very often do not understand or do not like. I deeply want to survive, which I am, so I should say then, I deeply wish to move beyond surviving into thriving, because surviving is just painful. Today I would've done a bunch of drugs and O.D.ed if I had, had them while I was in the car before work having a tantrum over what I'm not really even sure. It's not really what I want for myself and what I'd want those I love to have to deal with and remember I am thankful still so in the spirit of thankfulness that is truly not what I want, but when I'm that sad and feeling so powerless I simply want the pain to STOP and the memories to STOP and for the world to STOP moving so fast into directions that scare me to death. Being sober is scary sometimes and it's boring sometimes. Which is why today had I had a stash I'd probably be dead or in the hospital right now, today I was too tired and sad to have had will power, so I guess it's good I didn't have a stash or care enough to seek one out. I dunno. Sometimes I don't think I belong on this planet anyway, I vow to stay here and try to work this all out for as long as I can, I truly want to sort this all out, to do great things, to grow-up, to see more, do more, help more, to love so much more. To find family and a home. Now, God is my family and home. I prayed in the car. For myself, for those I love and those I miss and I gave thanks. I asked for His will to be done in all things and I asked for help to find joy in His will, for simply knowing it is His will being done is joyous (I KNOW this but need help to experience this joy sometimes.) Today I wonder if things will ever be right with those I miss and/or have heartache over or if the deeper parts of my heart will ever truly be "ok" with these things I feel broken over today and many other days too.

It's funny the assumptions earth people make about addicts, I don't give a damn about getting high, sometimes I've just been too exhausted to feel the pain.

But in pain I'm trying to cling to thankfulness.

I'm grateful for love, for a loving God.

I'm grateful to know I could spend a lifetime here feeling lost and out of place, but still go home to Him in the end, or should I say the beginning.

I'm grateful that in earthly death, whenever that may come, a new beginning awaits.

I'm grateful that in every new breath, even though it rarely seems like it to me lately, we have choice of a new beginning.

I'm grateful for the death of the old and out of place and the pained.

I'm grateful for rebirth into the new and into the home and into the healed.

I had a dream...

or was it a nightmare? Last night I had three separate dreams about being in high school again. I don't usually remember dreams, although lately I have been remembering more than usual. Upon awaking it made me sad to remember the things I miss about being younger and it made me miss the people who were important in my life during my time as a teenager. I do not really miss that time in my life at all, it was hell and as hard as things are now sometimes, high school was still worse. What I miss are the people and the connections I felt to others and to God when I was younger, as I've gotten older I've just become more and more disillusioned with people and the harder it's been to find true connection with God and things bigger than myself, and I need, we all need connection with something bigger than ourselves. I guess we all go through times that we feel so weary and alone and when nostalgia for things long since past set in. There's a lot I'm grateful for now and things which are much better in my life now than in the past, but there is much lost in my past that I lament and on this gloomy day, with Winter fast approaching, my heart is anchored with lament in a vast depression that I know well, and that I fear sinking into its greater depths which I'm still fatigued from the struggle to resurface from. What else to do? I don't really know. I work a lot, and trying to find a second job, I write, I paint, I go out to a coffee shop everyday, I pray, I go to church, I'm taking Wednesday nights off to go to mid-week church... therapy? Yeah, I guess I need to get back into that. I miss my "old" therapist a lot on days like this. I'm not angry at all about not seeing her anymore, only sad, and honestly, reluctant to trust another one. I am okay. I am better than I was last year and in years before that. Besides when I was institutionalized and in the couple months right after, I'm still better than I've ever been. Today is just gloomy and I dreamed of being in high school and today I miss Robyn and I miss Mary Jo and I miss being younger and life before critical mistakes and harsh words and confusion and addiction, I kinda even miss my dad or what I wish I could've had with my dad. Though I'd still punch him in the face on sight, I even kinda miss Colby too, but the Colby I knew before I knew what a jerk he is. I dunno, again, I'm okay, there are always things I just wish could be different, that I'd do almost anything to change and make right, but I fully realized my powerlessness to do so... so today, with lament my heart continues to sink into this depression... so, God, just for today grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the power to change the things I can, and this wisdom to know the difference...

fuck
I'm
very
very
sad
today

my head...

My head hurts, like really bad. It's so gloomy and cold out and M. would NOT stop touching my hair and trying to kiss me today. (Seriously, I'm not fuckin' Hello Kitty, contrary to popular belief.) Totally inappropriate behavior, especially as I continually move away, pissed off, every time or shrug-away and say "No, M." With any other person at any other job I'd file a sexual harassment suit and win, but it's M. at Hana and so things are very different and I actually do have some compassion. Although, I'm also very annoyed and agitated and this may soon outweigh my compassion. Honestly, I do not know how much longer I can tolerate it. Not just having to endure being treated like a house cat, but the working and making no money. I need a new job. I think I will stick with this to "the end" and it looks like "the end" may not be so far away. I'm very sad for M. about this. I'm nervous about the possibility of NEEDING to find another job, but really, I'd enjoy another job even though there could be no job easier than the one I have now - I am continually too annoyed and too poor to continue this job for very much longer, 6 more months at the most. I guess this is where I am setting my limit. I dunno, sometimes I just want to move on, I need to make more than $20 a day and I need my boss to NOT continually try to kiss my cheeks, touch my fuckn' hair and face. Seriously dude, seriously. Hopefully I will return to VCU next fall or something. Also, I think I'd like to work in a coffee shop for a while, I might not make much more than $20 a day, but at least no one would touch me all the damn time or if they did, I really think I might lose it and punch the offender in the face. But in all seriousness I'm also very thankful to have a job, even if it really pisses me off and apparently Chinese men think I'm a cat.