despite...

Despite this teary, gloomy afternoon I should not, I dare not forget to add that I'm still thankful. Thankful to have a place to live, food to eat, friends... a job... ect. Sometimes, because I'm still a little insane, I still have moments where I could take myself off the planet to avoid overwhelming feelings and situations or just because I'm bored or lonely. People would scoff to hear me say this and sometimes I forget it's true of myself too, but truly I'm still fragile and I still struggle to function in a world that I so very often do not understand or do not like. I deeply want to survive, which I am, so I should say then, I deeply wish to move beyond surviving into thriving, because surviving is just painful. Today I would've done a bunch of drugs and O.D.ed if I had, had them while I was in the car before work having a tantrum over what I'm not really even sure. It's not really what I want for myself and what I'd want those I love to have to deal with and remember I am thankful still so in the spirit of thankfulness that is truly not what I want, but when I'm that sad and feeling so powerless I simply want the pain to STOP and the memories to STOP and for the world to STOP moving so fast into directions that scare me to death. Being sober is scary sometimes and it's boring sometimes. Which is why today had I had a stash I'd probably be dead or in the hospital right now, today I was too tired and sad to have had will power, so I guess it's good I didn't have a stash or care enough to seek one out. I dunno. Sometimes I don't think I belong on this planet anyway, I vow to stay here and try to work this all out for as long as I can, I truly want to sort this all out, to do great things, to grow-up, to see more, do more, help more, to love so much more. To find family and a home. Now, God is my family and home. I prayed in the car. For myself, for those I love and those I miss and I gave thanks. I asked for His will to be done in all things and I asked for help to find joy in His will, for simply knowing it is His will being done is joyous (I KNOW this but need help to experience this joy sometimes.) Today I wonder if things will ever be right with those I miss and/or have heartache over or if the deeper parts of my heart will ever truly be "ok" with these things I feel broken over today and many other days too.

It's funny the assumptions earth people make about addicts, I don't give a damn about getting high, sometimes I've just been too exhausted to feel the pain.

But in pain I'm trying to cling to thankfulness.

I'm grateful for love, for a loving God.

I'm grateful to know I could spend a lifetime here feeling lost and out of place, but still go home to Him in the end, or should I say the beginning.

I'm grateful that in earthly death, whenever that may come, a new beginning awaits.

I'm grateful that in every new breath, even though it rarely seems like it to me lately, we have choice of a new beginning.

I'm grateful for the death of the old and out of place and the pained.

I'm grateful for rebirth into the new and into the home and into the healed.