or was it a nightmare? Last night I had three separate dreams about being in high school again. I don't usually remember dreams, although lately I have been remembering more than usual. Upon awaking it made me sad to remember the things I miss about being younger and it made me miss the people who were important in my life during my time as a teenager. I do not really miss that time in my life at all, it was hell and as hard as things are now sometimes, high school was still worse. What I miss are the people and the connections I felt to others and to God when I was younger, as I've gotten older I've just become more and more disillusioned with people and the harder it's been to find true connection with God and things bigger than myself, and I need, we all need connection with something bigger than ourselves. I guess we all go through times that we feel so weary and alone and when nostalgia for things long since past set in. There's a lot I'm grateful for now and things which are much better in my life now than in the past, but there is much lost in my past that I lament and on this gloomy day, with Winter fast approaching, my heart is anchored with lament in a vast depression that I know well, and that I fear sinking into its greater depths which I'm still fatigued from the struggle to resurface from. What else to do? I don't really know. I work a lot, and trying to find a second job, I write, I paint, I go out to a coffee shop everyday, I pray, I go to church, I'm taking Wednesday nights off to go to mid-week church... therapy? Yeah, I guess I need to get back into that. I miss my "old" therapist a lot on days like this. I'm not angry at all about not seeing her anymore, only sad, and honestly, reluctant to trust another one. I am okay. I am better than I was last year and in years before that. Besides when I was institutionalized and in the couple months right after, I'm still better than I've ever been. Today is just gloomy and I dreamed of being in high school and today I miss Robyn and I miss Mary Jo and I miss being younger and life before critical mistakes and harsh words and confusion and addiction, I kinda even miss my dad or what I wish I could've had with my dad. Though I'd still punch him in the face on sight, I even kinda miss Colby too, but the Colby I knew before I knew what a jerk he is. I dunno, again, I'm okay, there are always things I just wish could be different, that I'd do almost anything to change and make right, but I fully realized my powerlessness to do so... so today, with lament my heart continues to sink into this depression... so, God, just for today grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the power to change the things I can, and this wisdom to know the difference...
fuck
I'm
very
very
sad
today
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