searching

Always alone is seems, but not really, there's still hope - I'm held here only by hope and God's good graces that other people call 'luck', but it's really so much more than luck. I don't believe in luck. Life - always very confusing and me - always confused, even in my certainty somehow.

Drugs seem to help for a time, until you end up in the ER and have a lot of bills and NO cash and no job, then it's not fun anymore. Although it could be fun again. Maybe. At least I wish it could be fun again. Like it use to be. Like it was in summer.

And I need help. (Or do I? Really?... yeah I do.) Help to go away from the darkness I'm comfortable in. Habitual darkness that I hate, but that I struggle to give up. That holds to me when I push it away. That though I push away, not all of me feels ready or able to give up.

This journey. Scary. Partly done alone. Partly with the help of others and the love of others. And a God that seems so elusive most of the time. Now a-days prying myself open, there is so much pain and questions I don't know how to begin to answer or how to discover the answers except to remain still and silent in this pain and uncertainty, but all I want to do is run and scream and maybe get a little high too, but I don't need this, I need rest and solace - the kind substances will never truly be able to offer me, or anyone.

I need tolerance, compassion and understanding from those I love. I need to be tolerant and compassionate and understanding with myself. Sometimes I'm sure I'm more vibrant than this, underneath it all. Except with this burden you can not see the life God put in me and I struggle everyday to find this life too. And some days, many days, I do not find it and the search continues for a space where I can just be.

Where I can just be - not so tired and not so sad.

"Just the freedom was better than breathing they said."

"...kick, kick, push, coast so lets kick and push and coast...
kick and push and coast..."