we're on a road to nowhere

So I realized last night, I'm nearly broke. Oops. October was really busy with trips, shows and shopping and I stopped paying attention because I didn't think I could do that much damage to my bank account in one month. WRONG. I had a major freak out late one night and didn't make it to one planned event and that cost me some $$$ too. Life is weird. I guess drug addicts are never very good at managing money, but when I used I was actually better about it than I've been lately. Guess I subconsciously made sure I'd always have enough cash to get whatever I needed... somehow, but God, I do not remember how. I don't remember how I did anything last year. I try to have no regrets about my past but it's very hard not to when I realized how hard I've worked (and hustled) and how I don't have the same energy like I use to and I don't have anything to show for all the money that passed through my hands or all the hours I've worked or all the stuff I've sold and pawned. Though these are material things and I feel I shouldn't be so concerned with it, part of me is because the struggle to pay my way is just that, a struggle. Sometimes a huge, seemingly overwhelming struggle. And speaking of regrets, lets not even think about the heartache I've caused for myself and for those I love. Though better than before, I still miss those I alienated in my insanity and I know now there's not much I can do to reconcile certain relationships and I have to live with it, which I do, but God, it still hurts sometimes and sometimes, yes, I still feel like shit about it. Moving on has always been hard for me when I've cared. I've never taken caring very lightly and today is one of those days I really miss one I use to think was like family to me - though I accept that most ugly things which transpired, well I think, have probably been my fault, though it's honestly hard to remember, because, well, I don't remember last year or even the few years before it very well (thank you anorexia, ptsd, vodka, pills and other fun drugs). Still, sometimes, my heart is very heavy and I just wish things could be different. Because when I was younger and when we were close it was very important to me, for various reasons, but that's another post, or a few other posts. Anyway, I hate this fact, but it's very hard for me to cope at times with the state of the total brokenness between myself and someone I love very much. I also hate the fact that I still grieve this loss and that I still feel like it's my fault and my heart, today, is still heavy... and... I wonder how long will it be? Part of me really wants run away into a high and just stay there again, but that's not really what I want for myself and maybe more so that's not what I want for those who love me. I'm okay in the brokenness and the imperfections and in the things I don't understand and wish were different, which are many, many things, not just this.... I keep living in the hurt and I see beauty and I'm thankful for what is good, I just wish healing would come for wounds this deep and I wish reconcilation would come are restore because I know life here is short. I've watched it slip away more than once. I know it's fragile. But maybe what can't be healed and restored here for whatever reasons will be in the next life or maybe I won't care about it anymore, I guess God knows what He is doing and I guess either way, things will be okay. Today is just another struggle, but again, I'm sober, although sometimes ambiguous about it in the lowest moments, but really, I'm still, somehow, okay.